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Trail Separation

It's no good I can't take any more. The feelings of failure, being demoralised and just feeling constantly useless. Never feeling good enough, never managing to get it right ....So that's it, I've had enough. I can't take any more. It's with great regret and heartache that I have to say yes to a trail separation.

The affair started in July 2002. I was approaching 30 and fat and frumpy and unfit. So on 4th July and I pulled on my trainers for the 1st time. Since then the lure of being hot and sweaty and out of breath has kept the affair strong. Through the years I've suffered heartache and pain, injury, joy and frustration. The love is there and it's strong but I can't take any more upset.

So ... me and running are having a trial separation. I don't want to split but it's no good. I can't take the mirror laughing at me anymore. I can't take the "impact ripple" of my thunder thighs, the chaffing from my bra or HRM and the niggling injuries.

Last week I ran but once and that was a bad run. I was sore that night and my leg is still not right. Yesterday I went swimming with Gnome and I could feel the leg and the occasional ouch was felt. I'm not happy. I've had (not mentioned here) a few back twinges lately too. These probably relate to what both fizzios said, poor core muscles, weak lower right back, twisting hips which in turn hurt hip (weak glut medious) and ..... just like that song about the skeleton. Everything is linked.

This leads me into the "so what next" bit. Well basically I need to get down and do those core exercises and fizzio prescribed exercises and strengthen my body. I also need to focus on weight lose. The fat feelings, the repulsion, the "belly in the way" feelings are getting too frequent. I'm getting really down (and that is so not me) and starting to hate myself. I don't want that.

So for the next 2 months I am losing weight. I'm not running. I will walk (power walk even) and still do my 3m in my lunch but aim for daily (less impact so less harsh on the body). I will swim with Gnome once a week and hopefully look to increase this too. I will also do my exercises and look to do 30mins on my exercise bike or stepper or hill walking on the tready at least 5 times a week. Doing less harsh exercise should mean I can do more exercise and therefore burn more calories.

My aim is to lose 1.5st before I run again. The longer I faff about not losing weight the longer I can't run for. I like running, I want to run so therefore I have to focus. This means that when I do pull my percepts on again I will be lighter and my muscles should be in better condition too and I will still have plenty of time to train for the R4L.

So that's the bargain. No more running until 1.5st has gone. My body has been warning me lately and I have to listen (heart working too hard, breathlessness etc). So it's lots of low impact exercise and sensible eating. I am going to follow the Paul McKenna way of thinking and only eat when I am actually hungry and question myself when my head says food required. I have no choice I have to do this for my health and my sanity.

Comments

b-z said…
That is sad


I am not going to give an opinion
thats not what you want right now
I truly hope this will work for you, and good luck
xx
fraggle said…
(((((((( mega hug ))))))))))
Treacle Tart said…
((((Pix))))

All the best - Treacle

xx

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